By Lisa Charlebois, LCSW
Are you concerned about your teen or a teen you know because it seems like he or she is a magnet to narcissists?
This is a very common struggle for many teens because the developmental stage that they are in makes them particularly vulnerable. It is normal for teens to feel quite inadequate at times as they go through the normal struggles with identity that all teens face. For most teens to truly feel secure, they need to feel like they belong to a group of friends or to a group of peers with common interests. This helps them form their “identity.” They need safe people that they can be their “real selves” with—meaning people they can practice with sharing how they really feel and what they believe about various issues that are important to them. They also need to practice taking on different identity traits. They watch other teens closely and practice borrowing various behavioral traits and styles that seem to be working well for their peers…like trying to be more outgoing when they, themselves, struggle with shyness, trying to act more calm, cool and collected when they struggle with anxiety etc… This propensity to copy others’ identities is why teens are so easy to influence and explains how they can suddenly change dramatically if they change the peer group they are hanging out with. Many parents will say, “_____is a totally different kid since he started hanging out with ______.” This of course can be a good thing or a bad thing…
When teens don’t have a solid group of healthy peers to hang out with during their identity struggling years, they will often feel lonely and left out. This can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy and self-doubt which can then make them quite vulnerable to narcissists who show them favor.
The lonely or inadequate feeling teen will tend to idealize an ego-maniac as this can result in he, himself, feeling more worthy…because he has now attached himself to his new friend’s inflated sense of self.
Consequently, the devalued teen will feed the ego of the inflated one… The inflated one will talk despairingly about others (sometimes this is very subtle) and can give the impression that only the “chosen” will be fortunate to be in HIS presence. The unspoken message is that if a person falls from HIS favor, he or she will be cast out and devalued. Narcissists pick people who will follow them and idealize them. This is how they gain their own sense of security. Narcissistically acting teens will give others the impression that they will have more value just for being closely associated with them. This is actually often true because teens tend to envy the kids that seem to be the most popular or highly esteemed. For teens with struggling self-images (which means almost all teens at one time or another!!!), hanging out with these highly esteemed peers help themselves feel more worthy.
Sometimes, the more vulnerable teen will compromise his own wishes and desires and he will, therefore, concede again and again to the wishes and desires of his “puffed up” friend. Teens tend to be the most vulnerable when they have a temporary break in a solid peer group (eg. a fight with a close friend, moving to a new school, changing churches etc…). However, the teens who are the most vulnerable are the ones who are chronically lonely not just at school or church, but even within their own families. This emotional isolation can be caused from family dysfunction such as abuse or neglect or can be due to a parental addiction to drugs, alcohol, perfectionism, work... Another very vulnerable (perhaps the most vulnerable) group of teens for becoming magnets to narcissists is teens that have been raised in families wherein there was narcissism. In narcissistic families, an open discussion of feelings is not allowed. Much of the focus in the family is on performance; however, not much instruction takes place because the parents are too busy or distracted with other things to spend time teaching their children how to do things. Instead, the kids are just expected “to know” how to excel in academics, sports, social skills, and so on. When they don’t quite meet the mark, their parent or parents look shocked and wonder how the kid could have blown it like he did. A child from a narcissistic family will internalize many feelings of shame and inadequacy. Therefore, children from narcissistic families will tend to gravitate toward other narcissistically injured children…It is truly all they know… Hence, if the child or teen tends to devalue himself, as a result of how he was parented, he will be predisposed to becoming a magnet to narcissistically acting kids. Furthermore, he is often completely numb to feeling or knowing what his OWN wishes or desires even ARE—because his family never acknowledged his feelings!)
It is crucial that this tendency to gravitate towards narcissists gets pointed out so that it does not become an engrained behavior pattern. Again, the most vulnerable youth are those who come from families with parents who have narcissistic struggles. It is not uncommon for adults raised in narcissistic homes to come into counseling seeking to learn how to make their relationships healthier…only to discover that they have filled their lives with narcissistic spouses, co-workers, friends, bosses, and so on…
ADVICE: Trying to Help a Teen who is a Magnet to Narcissists:
Remember teens will be much more open to feedback if you speak from a place of “I’m just wondering...” rather than from a place of judgment about their friends.
~Point out to them that you wonder if they feel the need to deny their real feelings or feel they have to give in too much with a particular friend or that you feel you have observed them conceding too much… or you can say, “Does it seem like______thinks they’re right all of the time?” If the teen becomes defensive, you can merely state, “Oh good…so you are able to disagree with him and he’ll listen to your perspectives too?”; OR “Oh good, so you don’t have to just do what she wants all the time but you get to choose what you want or what would be good for you too?”; OR, “Oh good, so you don’t feel like he’s subtly putting you down if you don’t completely agree with him all the time?” (Often the teen will insist things are fine because they haven’t been conscious of these behaviors but these selfish traits will start bugging them more and more as they happen in future interactions…)
~ Point out to the teen all of his or her inherent God given strengths, abilities, and good attributes and that it is important for us to find people who will appreciate, value and love us as we really are. If you are a parent, ask the youth pastor or other people in your teen’s life who he or she looks up to to reaffirm these accurate truths about your son or daughter. I still get completely shocked (even though I shouldn’t be by now…because it’s happened so often over the years!!!) when one of my kids (now ages 21, 18 and 15) comes through the door and espouses some great new insight about him or herself or some new fact about health etc… that they just gleaned from their youth pastor, or teacher or coach. It’s truly as if they’ve never heard it before when my husband and I could have said the same thing dozens of times over the years!!! Even though I know it’s normal because teens are trying to separate from their parents, I still find it shocking and even comical!!! Sometimes, when I let my pride get to me, I say to my kids, “YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY ME for MY ADVICE!!!” Note: Telling teens that it doesn’t matter what others think about them because it is only what God thinks that matters is not very helpful. However, it is helpful to state that it is good to look at ourselves like God’s children whom He loves and that we are supposed to take correction from those who “speak the truth in love” but we are to be suspect of people who puff themselves up (even subtly) by condemning us like the Pharisees continually did with Jesus.
~Remind them that in healthy relationships, we are able to become more aware of and honest about how we feel, what we believe, what we want, and what we like and dislike.
~Remind them of the importance of setting boundaries (expressing our feelings to people when they are hurting us or angering us and being able to articulate to them what we want and need and what we will do if they don’t listen or respond).
~Remind them that it is important for all people to learn how to negotiate and compromise (wherein both peoples’ views and feelings are considered, not just one).
~Remind them of the importance of how we all need to find more SAFE people in our lives…people we can be real with, people who show us empathy and grace and don’t attack and devalue our thoughts and feelings. And, safe people will tell us the truth about ourselves when they see us faking it or being self-destructive, or when we’re acting out… Furthermore, safe people allow us to tell them the truth about how we see and feel about them. With safe people, we do not feel as if we are walking on eggshells to avoid rejection or abandonment. We know we do not have to risk losing the relationship if we have a conflict we need to work through with each other.
~Try to help teens to understand that most of the time, people are doing the best they can with what they have been taught from their own experiences and it will actually be good for their friends to receive healthy feedback and that most people want to learn and grow and mature in ways that develop healthier relationships; and yet, some people truly are cruel and destructive and we need to distance ourselves from them.
~Acknowledge that it is part of our human nature to sometimes think and act in narcissistic ways. When we do act self-righteous or overly critical of others, we need to apologize and express empathy for their feelings.
For more information, click on Lisa Charlebois’s page on www.grcca.com which has information on the book: You Might Be A Narcissist If… by Paul Meier, M.D., Lisa Charlebois, L.C.S.W. and Cynthia Munz, L.M.F.T.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Surviving Holiday Stress, Blues, and Family Gatherings
By Liz Shaw LMFT, M.Div.
There are a number of contexts and situations that can create pain, tension, or conflict in families during the holidays:
Going to relatives’ home
1. Your in-laws or mine:
Pressure by one or the other set of in-laws to come to their house every Christmas can result in marital conflict. Decide ahead of time how to share your time with relatives and then stick to it—Hold to your boundaries. Better to have in-laws resent your decision than to have your spouse feel unheard.
2. Being on their turf with their ways of doing things
Adjust to their expectations and rules as long as they don’t violate a core principle and/or isn’t emotionally damaging to you or your family. For example, if a relative is verbally or emotionally abusive, be prepared to handle this proactively.
3. Reverting to Parent-Child roles or old patterns with siblings or parents. This is more likely to happen to the person who didn’t completely “leave and cleave” or differentiate. Be aware of your tendency to fall into childhood roles. Plan ahead by asking yourself: “How will I handle this differently if it occurs?”
Relatives coming to your home
1. Playing the host can wear you out. Hosts tend to lose sight of each other as they focus on all the guests’ needs. The hosts need some time out for reconnection—a touch, a short walk, a moment of reconnection, a few minutes alone to regroup and reconnect.
2. The regular routine of the family is disrupted and can cause stress. For example, the children’s bedtime or eating schedule is disrupted or they get hyped by all the activity.
Visitation struggles in divorced and blended families
1. Interaction with ex-spouse and sharing the kids can be tense.
2. Plan ahead and agree to who will be where and when. Be firm about sticking to agreement. But all the adults involved have a responsibility to make the children’s welfare the first priority. Don’t make them pawns in your conflicts.
Loneliness for singles, divorced and widowed
1. If this is the first holiday season without a loved one, know that you can survive the day even if there are difficult moments. If the loss is very recent, give yourself permission not to do all the things you normally would do. For example, you may want to skip sending out Christmas cards or decorating to conserve your energy. Try to find a balance between alone time and being with people who understand and support you.
2. Make a specific plan for the day ahead of time. Avoid sitting alone at home and sinking into loneliness. Whatever you decide to do, don’t pressure yourself or allow yourself to be pressured to put on a performance. Be yourself. If you are all alone, consider having dinner with extended family or another single, divorced or widowed person. Invite a foreign student or military person to join you for the holiday. Go skiing for the day. Create a new tradition/activity—go to the movies. Serve at a soup kitchen.
3. Remember, anticipation of the coming holiday is often worse than the actual day.
The misbehaving relative who dampens or disrupts the festivities (e.g. the drunk, the controller, or the critic.)
1. Plan ahead as to how you will handle the person and his or her behavior. What have you done in the past? Did it work? If not, how could you handle it differently? Ask a close friend for ideas. You will feel less anxious and more confident if you have a specific plan in mind.
2. For example, if Auntie starts criticizing my children, I will ask her politely to stop. If she disregards me, I will take the kids to the park or the movies. If Uncle gets verbally abusive, we will leave early. Having a plan in mind gives you a sense of competence to handle the situation should it occur. Your self-confidence may even deter them from their typical behavior. If it doesn’t, you already know how you will handle it.
How can we prepare ourselves to survive the stresses, grief, and tension that we may encounter?
1. Practice good self-care!
We go, go, go. We try to do too much and do it perfectly including sending out Xmas cards, work and church responsibilities, shopping for gifts, buying and preparing food, cleaning the house, and spending too much. We end up with a kind of burnout. We feel worn out, irritable, or wired. Be selective about the number of activities or gatherings you attend. Get plenty of sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet.
2. Be careful of hope and expectations.
Christmas is a season of hope and expectations. We hope that our needs will get met, that this year will be different or better or perfect. Sometimes the people in charge of the festivities expect others to perform at the same level as they do, which creates fatigue or resentment or both. Perfectionists have a rough time at Christmas because they need everything to be perfect. This can make it tense for others too.
Try to keep things simple. Jesus calls us to a life of simplicity and priorities and yet the holidays seem to be the opposite of this. The simpler we keep it, the less stressed we’ll be and the more we’ll enjoy it. The Christmas I remember most fondly was when we had two servicemen share dinner with us. We gave them gifts that they didn’t expect. I don’t recall the gifts I received that year, just the joy of helping those guys feel a little less homesick.
3. Time of Remembering and Grieving
Our memories of past holidays can lead to grieving. We grieve the childhood holidays that were not happy. We grieve because someone we love is gone. We grieve because a relative misbehaves, gets drunk, explodes in anger, or gives us the silent treatment. Sometimes we wistfully say, “Can’t we get along just this once for Christmas?” The greater our hopes and expectations, the greater our disappointment or grief will be when they are not met.
We need to recognize that Christmas is a time of remembering and grieving that every family is broken in some way. We wouldn’t have needed Christ’s birth, death or resurrection if we were all whole and perfect. So sadness creeps in around the edges of our celebration as we dream of the perfect holiday family gathering. Too often people try to drown the grief with alcohol or avoid it or pretend it’s not there. Don’t defend against a certain amount of sadness. Allow yourself to acknowledge the feeling and then you can let it go and move on.
I encourage you to make time to reflect on the true meaning of the season, and to stay in the moment so you can find joy in simple tasks, in the beauty of God's creation, and in the people you encounter daily.
There are a number of contexts and situations that can create pain, tension, or conflict in families during the holidays:
Going to relatives’ home
1. Your in-laws or mine:
Pressure by one or the other set of in-laws to come to their house every Christmas can result in marital conflict. Decide ahead of time how to share your time with relatives and then stick to it—Hold to your boundaries. Better to have in-laws resent your decision than to have your spouse feel unheard.
2. Being on their turf with their ways of doing things
Adjust to their expectations and rules as long as they don’t violate a core principle and/or isn’t emotionally damaging to you or your family. For example, if a relative is verbally or emotionally abusive, be prepared to handle this proactively.
3. Reverting to Parent-Child roles or old patterns with siblings or parents. This is more likely to happen to the person who didn’t completely “leave and cleave” or differentiate. Be aware of your tendency to fall into childhood roles. Plan ahead by asking yourself: “How will I handle this differently if it occurs?”
Relatives coming to your home
1. Playing the host can wear you out. Hosts tend to lose sight of each other as they focus on all the guests’ needs. The hosts need some time out for reconnection—a touch, a short walk, a moment of reconnection, a few minutes alone to regroup and reconnect.
2. The regular routine of the family is disrupted and can cause stress. For example, the children’s bedtime or eating schedule is disrupted or they get hyped by all the activity.
Visitation struggles in divorced and blended families
1. Interaction with ex-spouse and sharing the kids can be tense.
2. Plan ahead and agree to who will be where and when. Be firm about sticking to agreement. But all the adults involved have a responsibility to make the children’s welfare the first priority. Don’t make them pawns in your conflicts.
Loneliness for singles, divorced and widowed
1. If this is the first holiday season without a loved one, know that you can survive the day even if there are difficult moments. If the loss is very recent, give yourself permission not to do all the things you normally would do. For example, you may want to skip sending out Christmas cards or decorating to conserve your energy. Try to find a balance between alone time and being with people who understand and support you.
2. Make a specific plan for the day ahead of time. Avoid sitting alone at home and sinking into loneliness. Whatever you decide to do, don’t pressure yourself or allow yourself to be pressured to put on a performance. Be yourself. If you are all alone, consider having dinner with extended family or another single, divorced or widowed person. Invite a foreign student or military person to join you for the holiday. Go skiing for the day. Create a new tradition/activity—go to the movies. Serve at a soup kitchen.
3. Remember, anticipation of the coming holiday is often worse than the actual day.
The misbehaving relative who dampens or disrupts the festivities (e.g. the drunk, the controller, or the critic.)
1. Plan ahead as to how you will handle the person and his or her behavior. What have you done in the past? Did it work? If not, how could you handle it differently? Ask a close friend for ideas. You will feel less anxious and more confident if you have a specific plan in mind.
2. For example, if Auntie starts criticizing my children, I will ask her politely to stop. If she disregards me, I will take the kids to the park or the movies. If Uncle gets verbally abusive, we will leave early. Having a plan in mind gives you a sense of competence to handle the situation should it occur. Your self-confidence may even deter them from their typical behavior. If it doesn’t, you already know how you will handle it.
How can we prepare ourselves to survive the stresses, grief, and tension that we may encounter?
1. Practice good self-care!
We go, go, go. We try to do too much and do it perfectly including sending out Xmas cards, work and church responsibilities, shopping for gifts, buying and preparing food, cleaning the house, and spending too much. We end up with a kind of burnout. We feel worn out, irritable, or wired. Be selective about the number of activities or gatherings you attend. Get plenty of sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet.
2. Be careful of hope and expectations.
Christmas is a season of hope and expectations. We hope that our needs will get met, that this year will be different or better or perfect. Sometimes the people in charge of the festivities expect others to perform at the same level as they do, which creates fatigue or resentment or both. Perfectionists have a rough time at Christmas because they need everything to be perfect. This can make it tense for others too.
Try to keep things simple. Jesus calls us to a life of simplicity and priorities and yet the holidays seem to be the opposite of this. The simpler we keep it, the less stressed we’ll be and the more we’ll enjoy it. The Christmas I remember most fondly was when we had two servicemen share dinner with us. We gave them gifts that they didn’t expect. I don’t recall the gifts I received that year, just the joy of helping those guys feel a little less homesick.
3. Time of Remembering and Grieving
Our memories of past holidays can lead to grieving. We grieve the childhood holidays that were not happy. We grieve because someone we love is gone. We grieve because a relative misbehaves, gets drunk, explodes in anger, or gives us the silent treatment. Sometimes we wistfully say, “Can’t we get along just this once for Christmas?” The greater our hopes and expectations, the greater our disappointment or grief will be when they are not met.
We need to recognize that Christmas is a time of remembering and grieving that every family is broken in some way. We wouldn’t have needed Christ’s birth, death or resurrection if we were all whole and perfect. So sadness creeps in around the edges of our celebration as we dream of the perfect holiday family gathering. Too often people try to drown the grief with alcohol or avoid it or pretend it’s not there. Don’t defend against a certain amount of sadness. Allow yourself to acknowledge the feeling and then you can let it go and move on.
I encourage you to make time to reflect on the true meaning of the season, and to stay in the moment so you can find joy in simple tasks, in the beauty of God's creation, and in the people you encounter daily.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
What do I do If I Lose my Job?
by Lynette Ross, MFT
In the last few years we have seen an upsurge of workers facing job loss and college students facing lower job prospects. From the long-term worker just days from qualifying for retirement, to the young single mom just trying to make ends meet, the amount of chaos that can enter a home with a job loss should not be taken lightly. Not everyone views this transition the same, however. For some, it is a new day dawning and for others, the seeming end of life itself. When life unexpectedly takes a turn there are some helpful hints that can make a big difference.
First of all don’t underestimate the effect a transition like this can have on a person, family, and marriage relationship. Jobs provide a sense of security with health coverage, benefits, retirement, and for some, a sense of family and community. It can be devastating for some to go through a job transition. Initial reactions can range in intensity and may include physical, emotional, spiritual and behavioral aspects.
Normal responses to stressful situations can include increased heart rates, nausea, change in sleep and eating habits, headaches, dizziness, stomach upset, shallow or rapid breathing, increased blood pressure, fatigue, panic attacks and other reactions. Preexisting medical conditions can be aggravated as well.
Emotionally, it is normal for someone to experience denial, shock, fear, anger, guilt, frustration, loneliness, feelings of vulnerability, depression, lack of motivation and so forth. It can be and often is a very real grieving process.
Due to the heightened stress response the body and brain shut down to recover (so to speak) so mental and physical fatigue is common, as well as confusion, difficulty with concentration and lessened mental clarity.
Spiritually, it is both a crisis point and an opportunity for faith building. The spiritual effects that one might experience can vary greatly. For some, they may feel abandoned by God. These feelings are normal and should not be judged. Just try to remind yourself that feelings are not facts. When the need is great, the opportunity is great for God to move in one’s life.
As a result, many may respond by withdrawing or becoming clingy. Some may display irritability, cry or have a decrease in energy, motivation and ambition. Some may experience marital or relationship conflict as a result of the internal tension and situational stress. Be aware that domestic violence tends to increase when the main wage earner loses a job. Some may have a crisis of faith.
It’s common for someone experiencing the loss of a job to feel that the situation has occurred because of some personal rejection or defect. It can feel like a personal failure and when one begins to think in these terms, it is normal for the brain to look for other evidence to support it. This train of thinking can become overwhelming. Try to not personalize the event and continue to move forward. If there are lessons to be learned from past work experiences, look at those honestly, make needed personal adjustments and be kind to yourself in the process.
Use good coping skills. Rely on your healthy relationships and share your feelings with supportive people. Take care of yourself physically by eating healthily, drinking water and exercising, even going for a walk can help. Avoid medications, alcohol, fatty and sugary foods and caffeine. Rest, rest, rest!! By taking care of your body, your body will help you feel better emotionally, recover from the stress easier and you’ll be able to think more clearly.
Get going right away on your goal of finding the next job. Feeling overwhelmed can lead to procrastination and increased anxiety. Even doing a little each day can help stave this off. Begin to dream about your next job. What is it you want to do? What about beginning your own business? Would you be better served to pursue retraining or going back to school? There are many opportunities for government grants and student loans now in this economy. There are also some colleges that are increasingly sensitive and geared to cater to the needs and schedules of working adults and single parents.
Break down your goals in manageable bites.
Look at your budget and figure out how long you can live on severance, unemployment or savings. You may need to find a job to “pay the bills” first while you make plans to pursue the dream job in your heart.
Temp! While you are looking for another job or considering retraining, temp! By exploring what is out there you offer yourself opportunities to network with possible employers and try new things. You get to “try them out” as they are “trying you out.”
Dream big: Now is the best time to consider what you have always wanted to do, consider your dreams and any calling you feel led to pursue. God may be using this very situation to help you fulfill His purpose for you!
Evaluate your needs: Take career and personality inventories. There are some online or go to a career center. Consider your work style and preferred environment during this time. What have you enjoyed about your previous jobs? What have you disliked? What questions are important to ask in an interview to help you make a good decision about accepting another position? Make a list.
Prepare your resume. What have you learned in your work that makes you a benefit for your next employer? Have someone help you if you need. This is the piece of paper that represents you and all you have to offer. Do it well, proof it and enlist others to look it over as well. The resume is what gets you in the door for an interview.
Keep work hours: Be active in your pursuit. Looking for a job is your job now. Get up and “go to work” beginning and ending at regular work hours.
Learn new skills. Many communities offer computer classes through the Recreation department, YMCA, or through a community college for a low cost. This is the best time to add to your skill base. Read up on interviewing advice, questions, and current trends. Prepare yourself as best you can for that first opportunity to meet face to face with a prospective employer.
Network with others in your circle. A very small percentage of jobs get landed through newspaper and internet mediums. Figure out where you want to work and solicit a job from them. Also, talk to people in your circles. Places like church, community groups, hairdressers, and the like have a lot of interaction with others in the community. Many are hired through word of mouth.
Move on. Don’t get trapped by the “coulda, shoulda, woulda”s of the past. Keep going toward your goal even if its just in small steps. Trust God to guide your footsteps and lend increase to your efforts.
Pray each day as you begin, pray over your resume each time you send it and expect your heavenly Father to bless you with work because He is pleased to give work to those who are willing to work. He cares about your kids more than you do and will provide as you are faithful to do your part.
As you begin to have contact with prospective employers you will likely encounter rejection. Don’t let this discourage you. Hang in there. You only need one job and if you continue to work at it, you will improve and find success. If you do get passed over for a job, call the interviewer back and respectfully inquire as to the reason and if they have any suggested words for improvement regarding your interviewing skills. This can make a big impression and may not only open another door with that employer but may help you make needed adjustments to your style.
In conclusion, it is essential at a time like this to keep a positive attitude! An optimistic outlook can shield one from depression and help speed the transition process. No one (not you, your family, nor your next employer) will be served by you becoming frozen in negative thinking. Keep moving forward and believe in yourself!
In the last few years we have seen an upsurge of workers facing job loss and college students facing lower job prospects. From the long-term worker just days from qualifying for retirement, to the young single mom just trying to make ends meet, the amount of chaos that can enter a home with a job loss should not be taken lightly. Not everyone views this transition the same, however. For some, it is a new day dawning and for others, the seeming end of life itself. When life unexpectedly takes a turn there are some helpful hints that can make a big difference.
First of all don’t underestimate the effect a transition like this can have on a person, family, and marriage relationship. Jobs provide a sense of security with health coverage, benefits, retirement, and for some, a sense of family and community. It can be devastating for some to go through a job transition. Initial reactions can range in intensity and may include physical, emotional, spiritual and behavioral aspects.
Normal responses to stressful situations can include increased heart rates, nausea, change in sleep and eating habits, headaches, dizziness, stomach upset, shallow or rapid breathing, increased blood pressure, fatigue, panic attacks and other reactions. Preexisting medical conditions can be aggravated as well.
Emotionally, it is normal for someone to experience denial, shock, fear, anger, guilt, frustration, loneliness, feelings of vulnerability, depression, lack of motivation and so forth. It can be and often is a very real grieving process.
Due to the heightened stress response the body and brain shut down to recover (so to speak) so mental and physical fatigue is common, as well as confusion, difficulty with concentration and lessened mental clarity.
Spiritually, it is both a crisis point and an opportunity for faith building. The spiritual effects that one might experience can vary greatly. For some, they may feel abandoned by God. These feelings are normal and should not be judged. Just try to remind yourself that feelings are not facts. When the need is great, the opportunity is great for God to move in one’s life.
As a result, many may respond by withdrawing or becoming clingy. Some may display irritability, cry or have a decrease in energy, motivation and ambition. Some may experience marital or relationship conflict as a result of the internal tension and situational stress. Be aware that domestic violence tends to increase when the main wage earner loses a job. Some may have a crisis of faith.
It’s common for someone experiencing the loss of a job to feel that the situation has occurred because of some personal rejection or defect. It can feel like a personal failure and when one begins to think in these terms, it is normal for the brain to look for other evidence to support it. This train of thinking can become overwhelming. Try to not personalize the event and continue to move forward. If there are lessons to be learned from past work experiences, look at those honestly, make needed personal adjustments and be kind to yourself in the process.
Use good coping skills. Rely on your healthy relationships and share your feelings with supportive people. Take care of yourself physically by eating healthily, drinking water and exercising, even going for a walk can help. Avoid medications, alcohol, fatty and sugary foods and caffeine. Rest, rest, rest!! By taking care of your body, your body will help you feel better emotionally, recover from the stress easier and you’ll be able to think more clearly.
Get going right away on your goal of finding the next job. Feeling overwhelmed can lead to procrastination and increased anxiety. Even doing a little each day can help stave this off. Begin to dream about your next job. What is it you want to do? What about beginning your own business? Would you be better served to pursue retraining or going back to school? There are many opportunities for government grants and student loans now in this economy. There are also some colleges that are increasingly sensitive and geared to cater to the needs and schedules of working adults and single parents.
Break down your goals in manageable bites.
Look at your budget and figure out how long you can live on severance, unemployment or savings. You may need to find a job to “pay the bills” first while you make plans to pursue the dream job in your heart.
Temp! While you are looking for another job or considering retraining, temp! By exploring what is out there you offer yourself opportunities to network with possible employers and try new things. You get to “try them out” as they are “trying you out.”
Dream big: Now is the best time to consider what you have always wanted to do, consider your dreams and any calling you feel led to pursue. God may be using this very situation to help you fulfill His purpose for you!
Evaluate your needs: Take career and personality inventories. There are some online or go to a career center. Consider your work style and preferred environment during this time. What have you enjoyed about your previous jobs? What have you disliked? What questions are important to ask in an interview to help you make a good decision about accepting another position? Make a list.
Prepare your resume. What have you learned in your work that makes you a benefit for your next employer? Have someone help you if you need. This is the piece of paper that represents you and all you have to offer. Do it well, proof it and enlist others to look it over as well. The resume is what gets you in the door for an interview.
Keep work hours: Be active in your pursuit. Looking for a job is your job now. Get up and “go to work” beginning and ending at regular work hours.
Learn new skills. Many communities offer computer classes through the Recreation department, YMCA, or through a community college for a low cost. This is the best time to add to your skill base. Read up on interviewing advice, questions, and current trends. Prepare yourself as best you can for that first opportunity to meet face to face with a prospective employer.
Network with others in your circle. A very small percentage of jobs get landed through newspaper and internet mediums. Figure out where you want to work and solicit a job from them. Also, talk to people in your circles. Places like church, community groups, hairdressers, and the like have a lot of interaction with others in the community. Many are hired through word of mouth.
Move on. Don’t get trapped by the “coulda, shoulda, woulda”s of the past. Keep going toward your goal even if its just in small steps. Trust God to guide your footsteps and lend increase to your efforts.
Pray each day as you begin, pray over your resume each time you send it and expect your heavenly Father to bless you with work because He is pleased to give work to those who are willing to work. He cares about your kids more than you do and will provide as you are faithful to do your part.
As you begin to have contact with prospective employers you will likely encounter rejection. Don’t let this discourage you. Hang in there. You only need one job and if you continue to work at it, you will improve and find success. If you do get passed over for a job, call the interviewer back and respectfully inquire as to the reason and if they have any suggested words for improvement regarding your interviewing skills. This can make a big impression and may not only open another door with that employer but may help you make needed adjustments to your style.
In conclusion, it is essential at a time like this to keep a positive attitude! An optimistic outlook can shield one from depression and help speed the transition process. No one (not you, your family, nor your next employer) will be served by you becoming frozen in negative thinking. Keep moving forward and believe in yourself!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
By Kathryn J. Cann, LCSW
EMDR has become widely recognized and highly recommended as one of the most effective treatments for trauma survivors. Because treatment effects are usually attained more quickly than in traditional psychotherapy, it is often more cost effective. Concrete results are often experienced by the client almost immediately. Although research on EMDR has focused mainly on the treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), clinicians report success using EMDR for many other conditions as well including: anxiety/panic attacks, complicated grief, disturbing memories, phobias, performance anxiety, stress reduction, chronic pain/illness and sexual and or physical abuse.
Although we don’t know exactly how, EMDR seems to affect the way the brain stores and processes information. When a person is very upset, their brain cannot process information in the usual way. A memory can become “frozen in time” and physically stored in the brain in a way that isolates it from more adaptive functioning. Remembering the event can then feel as bad as the initial experience. These stored memories become triggered by current life events, and then interfere with the way the person sees the world and the way they relate to others. Following EMDR, traumatic memories are stored differently in the brain so that the person no longer relives the images, sounds and feelings when they recall the memory. They still remember what happened, but it is far less disturbing.
Each client is unique, but there is a standard eight phase approach for EMDR. This involves taking a complete history, preparing the client’s target memories, actively processing the past, present and future, and ongoing evaluation. The reprocessing of a target memory includes the use of alternating bilateral stimulation via eye movements, taps, or tones. After each set of movements the client briefly describes what s/he experienced. At the end of each session the client uses resources and techniques developed during the preparation phase in order to leave feeling empowered and in control.
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